so, this is totally out of the blue, but today has been a rough sort of day...not physically or mentally, but emotionally. during prayer this morning i felt like i just hit a brick wall--and not like "i happened to look up and notice a wall," but like "i just suddenly smashed into this solid, unmoving mass"...and it hurt. i didn't know how to pray over, around, under, or through it. i didn't know what to do at all. i felt hopeless. i felt the same way at college group tonight. like my prayers came to a screeching halt because my mind was blank. all i could think about was me, my loneliness, and the wall (which probably is my loneliness). yes...for the first time since being here, i am sick. i am homesick, sick of certain rules, and sick of feeling confused about my future. but then God showed me something. while i've been here, i've really been relying on this program to draw me closer to God...like the program itself will actually "make me" grow spiritually into a more mature person. i've just assumed that all this time spent in prayer and doing missions stuff would make me "more holy." but God said, "nuh uh." apparently it's still my choice whether or not i'm going to go deeper with Him. it's up to me to seek God passionately, to realize that i need him desparately, and to face even the strongest, thickest walls with faith, knowing that God can break them down so that not even one brick is left standing. but it requires me to die to myself. and there, my friends, is the very large "wall" of a problem that i am up against. i HATE feeling lonely... but someone very wise (that's for you mom! :) ) told me that it is in those times of loneliness that God can truly move in my life and help me change and grow closer to Him...but i don't like it!!!!!! so there, i'm done with my little pity party...on to better, more positive things... :)
God also was reminding me today that i am a soldier in a spiritual battle... now, i don't normally think of myself that way, but i realized that if i don't take a stand as the warrior in Christ that i'm called to be, i'll be left standing at the foot of my wall for a very long time. one thing that has always motivated me and made me feel ready to "charge" into battle is something that dave actually read to my class in a chapel one year:
The Fellowship of the Unashamed
i am a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. i have the Holy Spirit's power. the die has been cast. i have stepped over the line. the decision has been made. i am a disciple of Jesus Christ. i won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. my past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. i am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.
i no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. i don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. i now live by presence, learn by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.
my pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission is clear. i cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed. i will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
i won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until i've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. i am a disciple of Jesus Christ. i must go until He returns, give until i drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes.
and when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. my colors will be clear for "i am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes..." (romans 1:16)
by Dr. Bob Moorehead
yeah!!! i just think that thing is SO cool!!!! and i always feel all pumped up after i read it...like "i am gonna go kick some booty!!!" :) anyways, those are my profound, and somewhat mopey-yet-redeemed-at-the-end thoughts for the day... i leave for L.A. tomorrow, so i gotta do some packing now. goodbye my family and friends!!! :)
