the day of overwhelming thankfulness... :)

the last few days have been absolutely incredible!!! i think i've grown more in the last week than in a long while... :) my reason for titling this entry as "the day of overwhelming thankfulness" is because my apartment has started a new thing where every morning we name the day. so far we've had the day of happiness, of caring, of insight, and of new beginnings. it's basically meant to make us expect more than just average-ness out of our days. like speaking life and then choosing to walk in faith that we don't have to live mediocre lives. i know it has definitely had a positive effect on my attitude!!!
we had one of the most life-changing coram deo's on saturday... it lasted three hours and it was literally just straight prayer with worship music in between. we focused on five main points: our nation, our families, our generation, our church, and our personal relationships with God. we prayed individually but they also had people come up to a microphone to pray corporately...and it was SO powerful! God was so present and we were so totally abandoned to him.

when i look back and see all you saved me from
--i'm speechless
you see worth where i saw nothing
you saw me when i was blind
thank you--
can i stay with you?

i want to see nothing but your face
i want to hold only your hand
everything else, i surrender
everything else, God, i give up my life
to be lost in you
i want to be found in you

i cannot believe how incredible God is!!! and how easily i forget that or get distracted by things that really just don't matter! how many times do i just go through the motions of serving him, too, instead of truly longing to bring a smile to his face? we are doing a human video for college group tonight to the casting crowns song "stained-glass masquerade" and i think that it goes right along with what i am learning. in the video we all have nice church clothes on for show, and we look real good on the outside with your fake plastic smiles. but underneath we all have these black shirts and written on the front in white is one word describing each of our personal struggles. there's pride, vanity, stubbornness, insecurity, fear, depression, laziness, etc. and as the song progresses, we slowly reveal the sin that we try to hide underneath. it's convicting because i realize just how often i pretend like everything is okay and that i have it all together...but i don't have to act like that!!! even Jesus didn't act like that!!! ...he was "a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (isaiah 53:3)!!! so i'm totally over the whole performance thing. i just want to be real and raw--filled to overflowing with the joy of God. one of the youth students here named annie said something really insightful, so i asked her to write it down for me:

"When someone asks us how much of something is left, it is natural for us to answer "About 1/2 empty." because that's what our eyes go to. We automatically look for the negative space. Always pointing out the flaws in our everyday lives. Because in their eyes, we want to be perfect. We are constantly chasing perfection, when we are born imperfect. This innate feeling makes us feel like we're not good enough. If we ALL have this feeling, why are we battling it alone? Why not go through it together? We will never ever reach perfection. But we can sure be happier knowing that we are doing our best every day together, side by side. But we have these walls built up. Walls so strong that not even the most important person in our lives can break down. But there are those out there who let their guards down. Those who aren't afraid to ask for help. Those who aren't afraid to be vulnerable because they've been open so many times they don't see the point in trying to rebuild that wall. Those who see the glass 1/2 full. The optimists. Those are the people who truly not just experience life, but live it and to the fullest. They are the ones who are the happiest in life."

no more walls--and although that means risking getting hurt and putting your heart on the line--people are worth it. God's heart is for people, and seeing as how i want to have the heart of God...i guess that's where my heart should be, ya know? :)
the other morning during prayer it was so cool cuz i felt God speak right to my heart, and i wrote it down...so now you can read it too! :)

you always were my little striver
good is never good enouth
you've always been a little fighter
you don't let anyone take you down :)
but now i want you to take my hand
release yourself and hold on tighter
make me first and love me most--
don't worry--i'll take care of everything else.
do you believe me? i love you--but i don't think you understand that yet
that's okay...you don't have to--but know that i just want to hold you
and i will make everything alright.

God has just been opening up my heart to him more and more--taking me deeper in love with him. it's funny because i don't really know what "going deeper" means or how it will play out in my life--but i just think about God more. i'm still the same me...very real and very flawed. i like surfing and mexican food and disney movies...i love hanging out with friends but also being alone with a good book. i have the same interests i had before i came here...but i feel more alive. :) i never thought of being a christian as fun or passionate or beautiful or exciting, but it is! i, no offense, assumed that most of christianity was made up of stuffy religious traditions, boring sermons, hypocrites, and crazy zealots. but boy was i off. Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. to give us life abundantly. to show us that no one will ever love us like he does. why do so many of us refuse to accept that? who could turn down true, unconditional love like that? and why do we turn it into something it was never meant to be? boring. weird. snore, snore, snore. NO!!!!!!!!!! Jesus wasn't any of those, so why are his "followers"????? there is no greater love found in all the world than what was exemplified on the cross. "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
"Fear not, for i have redeemed you; i have summonded you by name; you are mine. when you pass through the waters, i will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. for i am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." --isaiah 43:1-3
i want to be the kind of christian that would make Jesus smile. i'm not even close to perfect, and i have no right to judge the hearts of other people...all i can do is seek God's desires for me--how does he want to change me? how does he want to use me? when you love someone, all of your attention is consumed with thoughts of them. your greatest joy is found in their happiness. that should most definitely carry over into my relationship with God. :)
okay...i'll get off my soap-box now, and tell you about some other fun stuff happening in life: :)
today is cinco de mayo (i probably totally butchered the spelling of that :) but we are going to have mexican food in honor of this glorious day! :) last night i swam 40 laps in the pool (which was excellent for me! :) and tonight i'm hoping to go again and try to swim 45... we'll see if we have time...
we have a huge ant problem in our apartment--they have decided to congregate in our kitchen and bathroom. :( plus (our kitchen is just having issues) our garbage disposal doesn't work, so the sink is half full with the nastiest looking "water" i've ever seen. i'm literally, no joke, shuddering just thinking about it...
hmmm...what else...
i graduate in 34 days which is absolutely crazy to me...
anyways, i think that's all for now..i gotta type up my essay for scripture memory this week! hopefully ya'll feel caught up on my life now! :) i love you and thank you all for your prayers! XOXOXOXOXOXO!!! :) :)