It's been a long time... :)

the time has come to give up now
but i find it hard to let go
so empty me
of all these things
that keep me from seeing you

come into this place
and drench me in you
consume me with desire
i want to know you more

recently, God has been teaching me how to let go of things that still have me bound and keep me from going deeper with him. it's a challenging thing, allowing God to truly have control of every area of my life, but it's also exciting! i know that God wants to move in powerful ways and use me for his glory... so that's where i'm at right now. :)
i've also been praying a lot about what i'm supposed to do after master's, and even though God hasn't filled me in on his plans yet, i do have some ideas...but i'll let y'all know when i'm a bit more sure :)
okay, where to begin... we'll start with valentine's day. us master's peeps got to deliver flowers for valentine's day as a fundraiser, and it was so good for me!!! i didn't really enjoy it, but it taught me how to drive a cargo van filled with vases of flowers in the back, in the dark and rain while reading directions driving downtown with all the one-way streets. um...it was kind of stressful, but i only had a few near-accident incidents, and only one major meltdown moment. :) besides that, though, i learned how to not panic when i'm lost and drive like i really am from california. how's that for life lessons??? :)
right now we are reading the five love languages for singles book, and it's super cheesy, but still really good!!! learning that everybody has a different set of love languages is pretty cool cuz it helps you know how to best treat that person with the kind of love that they need. i love all that psychology stuff!!! :) :)
this weekend should be really fun because the college group is going hiking on saturday and then having a BBQ---i'm really looking forward to that, and i'm sure i'll get some real good stories out of it...
we performed a human video on sunday to the song i can only imagine. it was awesome!!! we made the audience cry... :) i was a little girl (so of course i had pigtails in my hair) and i was crippled. my scene showed my dad putting me in bed and then me dreaming that i went to heaven and could jump around and walk... it was fun cuz me and "my dad" got to jump around on a mattress like little kids... and there's other scenes going on at the same time: a blind guy gets his sight restored, an old man sees his wife again in heaven, etc. and then the song ends with us back on earth still sleeping and it was all a dream. kind of sad, but also encouraging knowing that the troubles and hardships of this life will not follow us into heaven, but there we will be fully restored. yay!
so basically, i'm still completely loving it here, and i'm as determined as ever to continue going deeper with God. i found out the statistics for people staying close to God after master's are not so great, but i don't want to be the statistic. i want to, every day, grow closer to my Savior. he's the only thing that makes life worth living, and that fact is becoming more and more real to me all the time.
well, that's all for now...but hopefully i'll be able to update this again really soon!!! i miss you, family and friends!!! :) :)

it's february... :)

wow...life has been so crazy busy it feels like i haven't blogged in forever!!! right now, i'm working on planning out what i am going to do after master's...and i am so excited!!! because i know that no matter how much i plan, God is in control. there is no point in worrying because God already knows where he wants to take me. :) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (jeremiah 29:11-13). God is just so faithful to me, and i can't wait to see how he's going to continue changing me in these last few months at master's. i really am excited to be almost done, but i want to enjoy every moment that i have left here. i've kind of started falling into the "routine" of master's---prayer in the morning, services at night, lots of stuff in the middle...but i don't want it to be like that. i want every day to start off fresh with excitement at the gift i have to meet with God anytime, anywhere. i want Him to continue blowing my mind everyday, and i want to never get stuck in the rituals of being a Christian. i want it to be more than just part of who i am and what i do--i want Christ to define me. i want my entire identity to be founded in Him.

You desire all of me
I cry out, "Intimacy"
You embrace me
And my chains release me

And I run to you
And I fall into
The deepest ocean
The depths of your Comfort
Take me in
To you

i wrote that the other day in prayer when i really felt God calling me to trust him even more than i already am. he'll get me through anything...yay God!
alright..now i'll try to remember some of the great stuff that's been happening the last few days/weeks...
yesterday the whole master's group went out to breakfast at Kono's, the yummiest pancake breakfast place ever, and it's right on the beach!!! that was super fun, especially because the church paid for it... :) a few days ago my accountability group went bike-riding along the beach, then stopped at this little place where you can climb down a cliff to get literally ON the beach. that was super fun, but once we climbed down the cliff we all sort of looked back and were like, "now, how were we planning on getting back up there?" obviously, though, i survived, and am still around to talk about it. :) OH! okay, so for ministry time the other day we all went to a skate-boarding park downtown to take food to the people hanging out there, and just to board around with them. well, me and skateboard do not really mix well, but being the brilliant person that i am, i thought, "why not?" so i hopped on the skateboard and biffed the concrete harder than anyone has ever biffed it in the history of biffing it! okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but i did hit the ground really hard. :) both of my palms are swollen and bruised, and my knee looks like i took a hammer to it. but despite the pain, i had a lot of fun, and i was SO glad that i tried it!!!! i also went sunset surfing the other night--and it was beautiful!!! it's one thing to stand back and watch the sun set, but to be in the water, on the waves, watching the sky change from orange to pink to a deep red until it all disappears was absolutely beautiful! :) i didn't do too well surfing, but that's totally not the point. :) :) all in all, life is fantastic right now, and even though sometimes i have my moments of frustration, i wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here... thank you for all your prayers! :)

fun pictures :)

Just catching up... :)

hello! okay, so today was such an amazingly fun day that i don’t even know where to begin!!—but maybe we should start with the fact that i shot a bow and arrow today!!!! and i actually almost got a bulls eye!!! :) :) :) the whole archery thing was jeremiah’s idea for our accountability group time today...and i was thrilled! who would have ever thought that i would have been shooting today? :) now, of course, if you know me at all, you also know that i had to have done something somewhat dumb or silly while shooting pointy sticks at far-away targets...yes, i did do some funny stuff. first of all, i’m not as strong as i thought, because several of the arrows i shot literally bounced right off of the target—my AC group got a kick out of that one. i also punched myself in the face when i let go of the arrow....and my chin really did not appreciate that. :) but that was a super fantastic part of the day.
also, today was our first official worship team night. the master’s group was the worship team at the downtown God group, and it was so much fun!!! i was pretty comfortable cuz it’s not a big crowd at all, and so i really felt like i was able to focus on God—i really don’t want to get to the place where i’m a performer...i want to truly enter into a time of personal worship even as my team leads the congregation into their own worship times. jess is an INCREDIBLE worship leader and i am going to LOVE working with her!!! so today was great! :)
This last weekend all of us master’s students went on a retreat to the mammoth—we got to stay in a lodge surrounded by BEAUTIFUL snow-covered mountains and just enjoy each other’s company. every night we had a service with worship and then one of the leaders would speak: the main theme over the weekend was about family and how God uses our relationships with others as an example of how our relationship with him works. at one point jason was speaking about that and all of a sudden his baby daughter, emma, let out a really loud squeal and he just stopped everything he was doing and looked at her with that “i’m-wrapped-around-your-finger” kind of look and said, “yes, baby...” and then all this other stuff in that language that people always use when they talk to babies...and i realized something pretty cool. God is a Father just like that. no matter what else he is doing, it is never an interruption to him at all if we cry out. he is always right there waiting to talk back to us and listen to what we have to say. he adores us. he wants to hear from us. he wants us to come unto him so that he can speak life into us when we are tired or need uplifted. i just love how God is like that... :) “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest.” –matthew 11:28
besides learning a lot, this weekend was also one of the most fun times of my life! one night we played this game that had everyone laughing hysterically... other times we would all go to the Looney Bean for coffee and just to hang out...one day melissa and i went for a walk and found a cute little snow-covered park...we had a snowball fight and i totally kicked butt!!! in all fairness, though, it was her first time ever being in the snow, so of course i had the advantage... :)
one last story: right after i got back from christmas break, matt neff decided that it was a good idea to cut his hair, but he let brindy and kim do it. well, they are far from professionals, and so matt now has a mullet/mohawk with a rather funny bald spot on the right side of his head. i literally laughed so hard i almost threw up while they were cutting his hair...it just kept getting worse and worse!!! but it was so hilarious and he was laughing right along with us (which made it even more funny) he took my hairdryer and started blowing his hair all different funky ways...(sigh)...i didn’t know it was possible to laugh so hard over something as little as hair. :) :) :) but that’s what i love about these people. they make everything fun, even the small things. especially the small things. :)

travel day...

hello my wonderful readers!! right now i am sitting in the salt lake city airport enjoying a cucumber salad while i endure my 5 ½ hour layover...fun stuff, right?? :) but, i figured, why would i just waste my time doing nothing when i could be working on finally updating my blog!!! brilliant, i know... :)
leaving home was hard, but instead of focusing on the sadness of it all, i am going to blog about all of the wonderful memories i have of this Christmas break:
first of all, i LOVED seeing my family!!! my sister and i made it a priority to watch movies almost every night... (and she bought me the hunchback of notre dame, so i made sure we got that one in before i left... :) my mom and i had coffee every chance we got, because that’s just one of the best conversation drinks ever in my opinion and we also watched Gilmore Girls!!!!! :) and i was SO thankful because my dad was able to have two weeks off of work so that he could actually be home while i was—God is so good!!! :)
i also had a really interesting opportunity present itself over break...a chance to go to college this fall 2009. it’s still up in the air, and there are lots of details that God would need to work out before it could happen, but let’s just say i’m excited by the possibilities in my future!!! :) i’ll keep you all posted on that info...
basically, God has been proving himself to me over and over again—he is so good and he is so faithful. the more intimately deep our relationship goes, the more i realize that i truly do not have to fear or worry about anything, especially my future. i just need to enjoy today, and the moments that i have been given. alright, i know it’s cheesy, but i love kung fu panda, so i’m gonna quote the old turtle: “yesterday is history, tomorrow’s a mystery. but today is a gift, that is why it is called the present.” yay! i just think that if i could really grasp the meaning of that quote and actually apply it to my life, i would be such a content person!
so this morning was really fun! my family realized that the way they had scheduled my flight into salt lake would only leave me about 30 minutes (if everything was on time) to get to my other flight to san diego... well, with the weather and my luck with flying, it wasn’t really worth the risk. so we figured i would fly standby at 11ish this morning, but when we got to the airport, the lady said i could only get the 1:10 flight to salt lake, but i would still have to take my original 8:00 flight out to san diego. and so, with no other options, we checked my bag and then mom, kelsie, and i went out to brunch. that was super fun and a great way to end my time in idaho!!! but that, my friends, is why i will be in salt lake for the next umpteen years of my life!!! :) :) actually, it is going quite well so far, and on the plane ride here i even had the row to myself!!! yay me! :) now, i think i am going to make my way to a comfy seat (comfy being a loose and relative term) and read more of frank peretti’s the oath... excellent book! goodbye!!! :) :)
oooh...okay, i am now eating a fruit cup, and i just bit into a strawberry and the first thing it reminded me of was movie theater butter popcorn... weird. that’s all! :)

Friend and Family Dates...

this last week has been so much fun!!! saturday was my "date day" with my dad... we went out to breakfast together, then went and did some shopping at walmart cuz we both had giftcards--we also were planning on making dinner that night together because my mom hurt her back really bad, so we had to make sure we got everything we needed for that. now that is funny. normally i only shop with girls, so it was really fun (and funny) shopping with my dad. :) i had SO much fun, though!!! then we came home and watched Prince Caspian before we started dinner. overall, it was one of my favorite days of Christmas break so far. :) so then sunday i went out with kenzi and a couple of girls from church: tierney and stacey. we went out to lunch and just talked (stacey is getting married!!!) so we had a LOT to talk about. :) and yesterday was sister day. kenzi and i decided to brave the mall (which is still CRAZY after the holidays) and we shopped for a few hours. we walked into this one new store that we have--forever 21--and it is so humongously big that we just kind of stood there with our mouths hanging open. what's funny, though, is that we didn't look weird. everyone in the store was just sort of wandering around with their mouths hanging open. we just don't normally have stores that ginormously large in idaho!!! :) but we had giftcards, so it had to be done. we did survive, by the way. :)
so, all of that has been great fun, but there has also been some hard stuff i'm working on... last night i just started to feel really crummy. it just kind of hit me all of a sudden and at first i had no idea why i was feeling that way. when i realized what it was, it only took me a second longer to understand why it was happening... i'm home. being home is not the bad thing, but when i'm in san diego it's so much easier to avoid certain pressures because i'm surrounded by people who, like myself, are just diving into a deeper relationship with God. but it works out so nicely because they plan my days out for me. i don't have to "schedule in" my prayer time--they do it for me!!! so now that i'm home, and it is entirely up to me whether or not i'm going to pray and seek God, i notice how easily God slips off of my "to-do list." and i don't think God wants to be on a list, he wants me to want to meet with him, but sometimes it's easy to place him not only on the list, but on the bottom of the list. anyways, i've been doing pretty good having moments with God every day, but it's not enough!!!! just because i'm not at master's right now does not give me permission to lessen my time spent with God---matter of fact, it should increase!!! i NEED him more now that i'm home! so that was my huge revelation from my prayer time last night. i kept asking God, "why am i struggling with this again? i thought i was over it..." and it just felt like God was saying, "let it go. all you need to do is spend time in my presence, and then things like this won't hold such power over you." if anyone is confused right now, the "issue" that i'm dealing with is my self-image. i've struggled with seeing myself through the world's eyes for a long time, and slowly God is beginning to heal me in this area. but every now and then, it becomes harder to see myself as God sees me--his child, whom he loved enough to die for--and so very easy to see myself in the wrong way--"you don't fit the 'image' of a perfect girl." i understand, though, that i cannot overcome this on my own--believe me, i've tried! and God doesn't promise instant healing--it is a daily "dying to myself" kind of thing--but he does promise to hold me when i'm hurting, and to heal me if i'll run to him.
i wrote another song the other day and some of the lyrics kind of apply to this--the first verse talks about how only God knows where my life will lead me, but it's the second verse and the chorus that pertain to this:

my will grows weary
as i walk this road
and i can't do this
when i walk alone
so i'll keep running
into your arms

my heart is crying
my soul is thirsting
all of me is longing
for you

and there will be no tears
and i will thirst no more
all my desires will be satisfied
for you satisfy
you satisfy
you

hopefully that encourages someone. no matter what hurts or struggles you're going through, run to God and you will find him. he might not make the difficulty go away, but he will make sure that you get through it---he'll hold you. he'll carry you. he adores you. :)

God is really cool... :)

okay, so i was, once again, astounded by God's faithfulness to me. he has a habit of blowing my mind when i let him :)
so i read crazy love by francis chan, and one of the huge things that i got out of the book was that christians don't truly trust God with their finances. we work so hard to become financially stable that even if we didn't have God in our lives, we would make it just fine... so i felt challenged. i've heard that it is impossible to outgive God. the one thing he asks that we test him in is our finances--will he come through for us when the money is thin or completely gone? well, i went out to lunch the other day, not knowing that God was going to use that lunch at applebees to show me his faithfulness. the bill came to $24 and so i was going to leave $30, but i only had two 20's...so i left them and went to use the bathroom. that was my mistake and the waitress assumed that the money was all for her--so i was out $40 for one lunch!!!!! well, my first response was "oh." cuz i knew it was my fault and i also knew that there was no way i was going to ask for my money back---how rude!!! :) so i said, "okay, God. i probably could have used that $40 for something else, but i'm going to trust you to provide for me." well, walking out, the girl i went to lunch with gave me a birthday/christmas present. i opened it and there was an adorable teddy bear and a yummy-smelling lotion kit...and a card. she told me to open it because she was pretty sure there was money in it. guess how much. Forty Dollars. Two Twenties. Exactly what i had left at applebees. i kind of just sat there in stunned silence and then i was like, "God, you are so cool." :) :) :) :) no matter how much money i give away to bless others or how little money i have, God will come through for me. he promises.
another way cool thing that God did that day was show me how he really does answer my prayers. i keep a prayer box up in my room where i write down and date different prayers so that i can go back later and write "answered" when they're answered. (yeah, i know, that's a duh! :) but it really is fun to write "answered." it makes me thankful. so anyways, i was reading through them all, and most of them i had to put back because they are still prayers that i'm dealing with, but there was one that just awed me. i wrote: August '08-- God, please send me one friend while i'm in san diego. i don't know anybody down there and i'm afraid because i don't want to be alone.
well, look what God did!!! i have four best friends as roommates!!!!!!!!!!! i couldn't have picked a better group myself! he placed exactly the right people in my life exactly when i needed them. i love you brindy, kim, stevie, and melissa!!! :)
God, you are so amazing---thank you for providing for me and blessing me beyond my imagination. i ask that when i go through hard times i would remember your faithfulness to me. you always know what's happening, and you are my Protector and my Refuge. help me to continue trusting you in everything, especially in my finances. you never let me down, even when things don't work out the way i think they should. i love you.