The final week! :)

i cannot believe that exactly one week from today i will be driving away from san diego---my master's year behind me and a wide open (and very flexible and uncertain) future ahead of me! :) i know that time flies by, but it has never gone by faster than in these last couple of weeks...we've been so busy with women's retreat, going to ridgecrest, a fun little girls only trip to idaho, and now we are in the last week. last night we had coram deo, and all of us went to jess and jay's house for dinner, we watched sahara, and then we all just talked about memories from the year. i can be completely honest and say i have never laughed as hard in my life as during this year. today we are doing interviews for our graduation video and having worship team practice...tomorrow we have college group and me and two of the guys are the speakers!!! we are going to be talking about God's call on people's lives, and my specific part is on stepping out in faith...here are my notes! :)

~satan's greatest tactic: fear--if he can keep us from living in Christ's freedom, he can keep us ineffective

~knowing God's call on our lives isn't what makes the difference--it's acting out that call by pushing past our comfort zones and trusting in God's faithfulness that will create change

~how much do we really believe in God? because when the time comes to either step out in faith or fearfully walk away from God's call, we will see where our priorities are...

~it's easy to read promises in the Bible and say we believe them, but what would it take to actually live them out?

~"But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. the person who risks nothing, who does nothing...is nothing. he may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. chained by his attitudes he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom. only a person who risks is free."

~God is the ultimate Dreamgiver--he is
magnificent and beyond our comprehension. "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (isaiah 55:9)

~a lot of trust is required in obeying God..he usually won't tell us his whole plan, but that's for our good: "look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. for i am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." (habakkuk 1:5)

~it's not so much about having a step-by-step plan for your life...it's really about including God in everything--revolving your life around him--so that in the small things he can show you his will for your life.
"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (proverbs 3:5-6)

so that's basically what i will be speaking about...mostly i just want people to know God intimately, and that's a hard concept to get across to someone. i think that most people, myself included, aren't nearly as close to God as he wants us to be. most of my life was lived mainly by blind faith. trusting that big God in the sky that i didn't know how to get close to, but i believed he could and would help me with my problems. but just recently God has been showing me just how REAL he is...how possible it is to actually have a conversation with him. he's not just some outer being that put the world together and then left us. he's here. he wants to be so near to us that his thoughts are our thoughts, that our hearts beat together. you will never find any human on earth that can love you as unconditionally as God does. that's the dream that God has been putting on my heart--to reach those people who really want more of God but just don't know how to go for it. i want everyone to be fulfilled--to live as dearly loved children of God. to be set free from any and all things that hold you captive. nothing is too big for God. nothing is impossible for him.
i only have 7 days left until i graduate...but i am expecting God to change me more in the next 7 days than he did in the last month. i want to fall so desperately in love with who God is that i am unrecognizable. i want to be wholly His. :)

i figured out how to upload videos.. :)

another wonderful day

So, not that i'm counting down or anything, but i graduate in 26 days!!! :0
i have a new favorite chapter in the Bible--it's Isaiah 43--and it has one of the most beautiful promises ever in it!
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. The flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
i love it because it's so real and honest. it doesn't promise an easy cake-walk with God, or a trouble-free life when you become a Christian. instead, it is just oozing with God's love as he says, 'there are going to be hard times. you will walk through fire and raging waters...but you are not going to go through all of that alone. i will be with you. you are my child and i will hold on to you through the pain and heartache. you are never alone.' wow! that just blows my mind! :) :)
hmmm...so what's been happening in my life? yesterday i had probably the best klutz moment of my life! i'm eating tomato soup, right?...(i know, you can already tell this story is gonna be a good one) and, for one moment, i looked away from my bowl. (to do what, i don't know) but in that one moment, my entire bowl of soup spilled onto me...all over me. did i mention i was sitting somewhat reclined on our couch? so it is not just a little bit on my pants, but it's also a lot a bit on my shirt, my blanket...my life. it was really hot, too... :( luckily my roommates got a good laugh out of that one, and i am not scarred for life--just a few minor first degree burns is all. :)
just now, i went outside to make a phone call and guess what i did! stuck my hand in bird poo...ew. OH! so the other day brindy named the day as The Day of God's Humor. well, i knew that i would be in for one crazy day, cuz when it comes to me i think God has a really...can i say obnoxious? sense of humor. :) so my day began with me filling up my minivan (for delivering flowers on mother's day) with gas, and somehow i managed to trip on the gas pump tube thing and the nozzle flew out of my tank and sprayed gas all over the concrete, on my hands, on the car... i hurried and picked it up, but it sure smelled bad and i was jokingly reproached for "wasting probably 12 bucks worth of gas on the ground." welcome to my world. :)
so the other day we had our evaluations for how well we did overall in masters...jess and jay meet with us one on one to talk about our strengths and weaknesses... fun, right? well, mine was a little rough. not bad, but very challenging. but i read a verse along with a note that i wrote in my Bible earlier this year that kind of puts it all into perspective for me.
Psalm 141:5 "Let a righteous man strike me--it is a kindness; let him rebuke me--it is oil on my head. my head will not refuse it." ~am i open to criticism so that God can continue to change me?

that's a tough question to answer. honestly, i really don't like criticism. i'm a perfectionist and so when people tell me i'm not doing good enough on something or i didn't meet an expectation, my natural instinct is to beat myself up--to feel like a failure and wallow in self-pity. but not anymore! God is showing me that my identity is founded wholly in him. so i can take criticism now...especially when it's from people that i know love me and really want what's best for me. but now, instead of just accepting the criticism and striving so hard to reach perfection in their eyes, i can take it to God. ask him what he wants me to work on--in what areas i need improvement. i know there are a lot of things that are going to have to be worked out in me, but with God it's not so much a pressure to be perfect kind of thing--it's a love thing. if i love God, i will change. it may be slow, and it is definitely a never-ending process, but because i love him i will allow him to work out the garbage and junk in me so that i can be more like him.
good stuff, aye??? :)

the day of positive outcomes...

melissa named the day today, and i really REALLY like it! positive outcomes are always welcome...
so we had prayer this morning, and now i have study time until lunch because today is our "evaluation meeting" day. basically, jess and jay meet with us one on one to talk about our strengths and weaknesses, how well (or not well) we did this year, and then they will either invite us back for a second year or (kindly) choose not to offer the opportunity of doing a second year here. my meeting was supposed to be at 9:40, but its already 10:35 and they are still in their first meeting--i'm third on the list. so i figured...i definitely have time to blog. :)
my future is extremely unsure...i don't know necessarily what i am going to be doing after this program, but i have for sure decided that i don't want to come back for a second year. i couldn't be more thankful that i did masters this year, but one year is definitely enough for me! :) i'm ready to see what God has planned for me next! :) :) my plans, though, only extend so far as the day after graduation...june
8th i'm driving back to idaho with my family and moving back in... beyond that, i have no idea. :)
the next few weeks are going to be so much fun! this weekend we are delivering flowers for mother's day, just like we did for valentine's day. then next week all the girls are going to women's retreat, and then we all go to ridgecrest. just a couple weeks after that is graduation---WHAT?????? i cannot believe how quickly time goes by...it makes me want to just run up to all my roommates and hug them and never let go! that's going to be the saddest part of leaving san diego...saying goodbye to all of the amazing people. hopefully, one day, i'll get to come back here to live for a while... this place is like God's and my scrapbook of some of our best times together... :) i was reading back over some of my old blogs from my first couple of months in master's, and it was so funny! i think i've changed more than i realize, just in the things that are truly important to me. i'm excited because i've seen God's faithfulness so evidently in my life, and now it's almost time for a new adventure with Him. Kaylee's Cali Adventures is very soon nearing an end, but (and i don't care how cheesy this sounds!) it's only going to be the beginning of something even greater. :)

the day of overwhelming thankfulness... :)

the last few days have been absolutely incredible!!! i think i've grown more in the last week than in a long while... :) my reason for titling this entry as "the day of overwhelming thankfulness" is because my apartment has started a new thing where every morning we name the day. so far we've had the day of happiness, of caring, of insight, and of new beginnings. it's basically meant to make us expect more than just average-ness out of our days. like speaking life and then choosing to walk in faith that we don't have to live mediocre lives. i know it has definitely had a positive effect on my attitude!!!
we had one of the most life-changing coram deo's on saturday... it lasted three hours and it was literally just straight prayer with worship music in between. we focused on five main points: our nation, our families, our generation, our church, and our personal relationships with God. we prayed individually but they also had people come up to a microphone to pray corporately...and it was SO powerful! God was so present and we were so totally abandoned to him.

when i look back and see all you saved me from
--i'm speechless
you see worth where i saw nothing
you saw me when i was blind
thank you--
can i stay with you?

i want to see nothing but your face
i want to hold only your hand
everything else, i surrender
everything else, God, i give up my life
to be lost in you
i want to be found in you

i cannot believe how incredible God is!!! and how easily i forget that or get distracted by things that really just don't matter! how many times do i just go through the motions of serving him, too, instead of truly longing to bring a smile to his face? we are doing a human video for college group tonight to the casting crowns song "stained-glass masquerade" and i think that it goes right along with what i am learning. in the video we all have nice church clothes on for show, and we look real good on the outside with your fake plastic smiles. but underneath we all have these black shirts and written on the front in white is one word describing each of our personal struggles. there's pride, vanity, stubbornness, insecurity, fear, depression, laziness, etc. and as the song progresses, we slowly reveal the sin that we try to hide underneath. it's convicting because i realize just how often i pretend like everything is okay and that i have it all together...but i don't have to act like that!!! even Jesus didn't act like that!!! ...he was "a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (isaiah 53:3)!!! so i'm totally over the whole performance thing. i just want to be real and raw--filled to overflowing with the joy of God. one of the youth students here named annie said something really insightful, so i asked her to write it down for me:

"When someone asks us how much of something is left, it is natural for us to answer "About 1/2 empty." because that's what our eyes go to. We automatically look for the negative space. Always pointing out the flaws in our everyday lives. Because in their eyes, we want to be perfect. We are constantly chasing perfection, when we are born imperfect. This innate feeling makes us feel like we're not good enough. If we ALL have this feeling, why are we battling it alone? Why not go through it together? We will never ever reach perfection. But we can sure be happier knowing that we are doing our best every day together, side by side. But we have these walls built up. Walls so strong that not even the most important person in our lives can break down. But there are those out there who let their guards down. Those who aren't afraid to ask for help. Those who aren't afraid to be vulnerable because they've been open so many times they don't see the point in trying to rebuild that wall. Those who see the glass 1/2 full. The optimists. Those are the people who truly not just experience life, but live it and to the fullest. They are the ones who are the happiest in life."

no more walls--and although that means risking getting hurt and putting your heart on the line--people are worth it. God's heart is for people, and seeing as how i want to have the heart of God...i guess that's where my heart should be, ya know? :)
the other morning during prayer it was so cool cuz i felt God speak right to my heart, and i wrote it down...so now you can read it too! :)

you always were my little striver
good is never good enouth
you've always been a little fighter
you don't let anyone take you down :)
but now i want you to take my hand
release yourself and hold on tighter
make me first and love me most--
don't worry--i'll take care of everything else.
do you believe me? i love you--but i don't think you understand that yet
that's okay...you don't have to--but know that i just want to hold you
and i will make everything alright.

God has just been opening up my heart to him more and more--taking me deeper in love with him. it's funny because i don't really know what "going deeper" means or how it will play out in my life--but i just think about God more. i'm still the same me...very real and very flawed. i like surfing and mexican food and disney movies...i love hanging out with friends but also being alone with a good book. i have the same interests i had before i came here...but i feel more alive. :) i never thought of being a christian as fun or passionate or beautiful or exciting, but it is! i, no offense, assumed that most of christianity was made up of stuffy religious traditions, boring sermons, hypocrites, and crazy zealots. but boy was i off. Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. to give us life abundantly. to show us that no one will ever love us like he does. why do so many of us refuse to accept that? who could turn down true, unconditional love like that? and why do we turn it into something it was never meant to be? boring. weird. snore, snore, snore. NO!!!!!!!!!! Jesus wasn't any of those, so why are his "followers"????? there is no greater love found in all the world than what was exemplified on the cross. "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
"Fear not, for i have redeemed you; i have summonded you by name; you are mine. when you pass through the waters, i will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. for i am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." --isaiah 43:1-3
i want to be the kind of christian that would make Jesus smile. i'm not even close to perfect, and i have no right to judge the hearts of other people...all i can do is seek God's desires for me--how does he want to change me? how does he want to use me? when you love someone, all of your attention is consumed with thoughts of them. your greatest joy is found in their happiness. that should most definitely carry over into my relationship with God. :)
okay...i'll get off my soap-box now, and tell you about some other fun stuff happening in life: :)
today is cinco de mayo (i probably totally butchered the spelling of that :) but we are going to have mexican food in honor of this glorious day! :) last night i swam 40 laps in the pool (which was excellent for me! :) and tonight i'm hoping to go again and try to swim 45... we'll see if we have time...
we have a huge ant problem in our apartment--they have decided to congregate in our kitchen and bathroom. :( plus (our kitchen is just having issues) our garbage disposal doesn't work, so the sink is half full with the nastiest looking "water" i've ever seen. i'm literally, no joke, shuddering just thinking about it...
hmmm...what else...
i graduate in 34 days which is absolutely crazy to me...
anyways, i think that's all for now..i gotta type up my essay for scripture memory this week! hopefully ya'll feel caught up on my life now! :) i love you and thank you all for your prayers! XOXOXOXOXOXO!!! :) :)

going deeper... :)

i’ve been thinking a lot recently...and i just have some thoughts to share...
i only have 38 days left in masters. 38 DAYS!!!! do you know how quickly that is going to go by?????
so, i am extremely excited to be so close to the end, but i don’t want to slack off or let up just because the end is near. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus...” (Hebrews 12:1-2a)
right now, to be completely honest, i’m really struggling. and it’s not like i’m going through these huge issues or anything truly hard, but inwardly i am having a hard time being joyful in all circumstances. it feels like this big part of me is just pushing and striving to be done with this “program” and the rules surrounding it. i want to be free to live by my own convictions and not rules set up by someone else. and i know that life is like that...there are laws and bosses and people in authority over me, but right now there are certain aspects surrounding masters that i just want to be rid of. but i know that in this, God is stretching me. he’s teaching me that it is not enough to just be a “submissive” person, but to truly have an obedient heart and an inner attitude of joy and thankfulness. there will always, ALWAYS be something in life that i can either choose to be unhappy with or joyful through. and really, there is so much to be thankful for. i absolutely love the people here. i’ve seen growth and change in myself that i didn’t even know was possible. i’ve had more opportunities to experience new things here than i’ll probably ever have in my life again. i’ve tasted intimacy with God and fallen in love with him—and masters has given me an ideal environment for living out my newly-passionate relationship with Jesus. All of that and more should make me utterly breathless with gratitude. what more could i ask for???? who am i to think that i deserve that, let alone anything more??? it really is amazing when i step back and look at the big picture, instead of just my own little self. God is working in such an astounding way—weaving together our lives with intricacy and creativitiy—purpose and love—and he’s so patient with me even in my selfishness. “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
i just want to be real with people. no more masks to hide behind. no more being fake. i want true, raw, unhindered joy. i want to be drenched in Jesus and to be submerged in his love. i want to care about nothing but knowing and loving him, and living that out in how i treat others.

DEEPER
a song i wrote during prayer wednesday morning...

I want to go deeper
in your love
i want to run further
in your arms
i want to stay longer
next to you
forever won’t be long enough
Lord, it won’t be long enough

i want to fall harder
into grace
i want to be captured
in your embrace
i want to love you more
love you more
infinite just isn’t enough
Lord, it’ll never be enough

i’ll never get enough of you
i’ll never get enough


i also want to find the right balance in my relationships with people, especially once i’m home. i don’t ever want to come across as “preachy,” but i also don’t want to be afraid to speak the truth (in love, of course :) i don’t want to turn people away with being real, but i don’t want to put too much stock in what other people think of me. hmmm... i also don’t want to think too hard about all of this. :) yes, God is changing me, but there is still definitely a lot of “me” left in me—my ability to over-think being part of that. :) i’m super excited to see what God has in store...he sure is a fun God. how dull would life be if we knew everything that was going to happen before it happened? God gives us basically the best scenario. he truly wants what’s best for us, so he’s got our futures under control, but he also leaves PLENTY of room for us to be surprised! i just love that about him! there’s a song that i really like by desperation band called lovesong...and it says:

let my life be a love song
every day sing to you
may my heart always please you
as a sweet offering
i am satisfied in you
come be glorified in me

all of my life you are faithful
my savior my king and my friend
all of my life i will lay down
to love you with all that i am

that’s what i want my life to look like in God’s eyes. :)