Only two months left...

so, it kind of just hit me that masters is, for reals, nearing an end...so what am i doing with my time????? i want to make sure that i am taking from this program EVERYTHING that i can get out of it, because once graduation comes, i can't rely on the program to schedule my prayer time anymore, or make me volunteer around the church, or give me cool ministry opportunities...that will all be on me. so am i ready for that?
i'm actually super excited to find out the answer to that question. i'm still thrilled to be in masters, but there is definitely a huge part of me that is looking forward to moving home this summer and seeing what else God has for me: so i'm living to enjoy every moment, but i'm absolutely NOT dreading the future at all... :)
now, about my plans for the near future--they are still very up-in-the-air and uncertain, but for now i'm just planning on moving back to idaho and getting a job and getting involved in church. God's funny because he knows that i am a total planner, so i think he likes to wait til the last minute to tell me what he wants me to do... but that's okay because i'm definitely learning through the process. it's kind of exciting and fun to know that God's love is so extravagant that he surprises me with incredible blessings because i never know what to expect of the future. God has really been drawing me further into knowing him by reminding me of why i came to masters in the first place--the whole point is to fall in love with Him, and so that's where i'm at. nothing else really matters except loving God and, in doing so, loving other people. the other day, when that really hit me, it made me question my motives and everything, and so, of course, i wrote a song... :)

who am i to think
that i can do anything
on my own, apart from you

sure i know all the words
yeah i can play the part
but none of that really counts
God you see what's in my heart

so bring me back to you
the first love i ever knew
you hold my dreams, hold all of me
you can have my heart
i want to be found in you
and find out who i really am
see what i'm made of, and finally make my stand
i want to be found in you


i think that is my biggest goal right now...to simply be so immersed in God that the only way i can find myself or know who i am is by going even deeper with God. we actually had a coram deo that was about returning to God as your first love. it was SO good!!! i'll just write down some of the notes that i took from it:

1. i need to release control of whatever i'm holding on to and just be still before God--remember his faithfulness
2. sometimes it feels like God is playing Hide and Seek with us: our walk with God is a relationship and so it should be two-way. how much do i desire God? am i willing to seek him out?
3. God carries me in the hard times--i can see that if i stop looking at my problems
4. seek God's kingdom FIRST and then he takes care of our every need
5. God wants me to love him first and most
6. God's not going to aks you to do something without empowering you to do it

this week my one of my verses for scripture memory was about how we so easily forget what our purpose is:
"You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: you have forsaken your first love."
-Revelation 2:3-4
so, it doesn't matter how faithful we are in our actions if in our hearts we have been unfaithful to God. i have to constantly check myself and see if i'm simply going through the motions instead of doing things because i'm crazy in love with God. i can say all the right things and still be totally wrong. i can act like the most "christian" person ever, and still God is calling to me saying, "you still don't get it." it's not about a performance, and it's not about always "sounding right." (trust me, i'm totally preaching to myself right now!) God loves us. He just wants us to love him in return. it really is that simple. we just tend to overcomplicate things by a lot. so God is romancing me all over again and reminding me that it is not about looking perfect and like i have it all together on the outside...it's just about allowing him to drench me in his love and then responding to that love. hmmm...it's such a peaceful and calming realization. no longer having to strive for perfection, but instead being free to actively pursue the Love we all long for.
i want to encourage whoever is reading this to just pick up God's Word and start reading it. i heard the other day of a woman, a prostitute actually, who was told about Jesus by one of my mentors. after hearing about Jesus she wanted to learn more, and so she started reading the Bible. she began in the New Testament and read the whole thing. then she went to the Old Testament and read it too... and do you know how long it took her to read all of that??? one week.
now, obviously, that's not realistic for most people...i've been going on a couple weeks and i'm still in genesis :) but the point is, if we want to know more of God, it's in the Bible! it was written by Him and is therefore the best place to learn more about Him! One of the most interesting things i've learned so far is that people are very good at stepping out of God's perfect timing. Adam and Eve had perfection, but they chose to follow their own desires (Genesis 3), Abraham and Sarah were promised a son, but they couldn't wait and so they made their own plans (Genesis 16), Jacob was promised that he would rule over his brother and be great, but he couldn't wait for God's promise to be fulfilled, and so he stole from his brother (Genesis 27)... etc. realizing this was huge for me! like i said before, God is teaching me how to trust him even when i don't have a plan, and i'm learning most of that by reading the Bible. i don't want to step out of God's perfect timing--so sometimes i'm going to have to be willing to wait on the voice of God. i don't know exactly what direction my life is headed right now, but honestly i'm okay with that. God has always been faithful to me, and he is the same yesterday, today, and forever. he'll do much greater things with me than i could ever do with myself, so i'm going to just hand everything over to him and leave the planning of my future to the One who holds my future.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" --Jeremiah 29:11

college group retreat pics...

My thoughts...

okay, i’m back and i have a lot to tell...
i’m finally out of the slight state of...well i guess you could call it minor depression. this last week was a real tough one for me emotionally. and yet, i can still see how truly blessed i am and how honestly, my problems don’t really amount to much in the whole scheme of things. first, i should tell you that one of the things i was looking forward to the most this year was going on tour. i think i had both selfish and unselfish motives in wanting to go, but i just REALLY wanted to go. we were told this week that because of finances and the economy right now, we will be unable to go. so i was bummed about that. i also, surprisingly, though, had a really easy time getting over it. i was like, cool, God, you must have something else planned for us.

beyond what i can see
you are working in me
i cannot know what your plans are for me
but faith keeps on trusting
even when it’s blind

i’ll still choose to lift my hands and worship you
nothing’s changed—
you deserve all my praise
have your way

so then i let myself start getting super excited for our trip to mexico. we were supposed to leave tomorrow and be gone for 8 days putting on a big outreach and serving the community, working in an orphanage and other cool ministry stuff. the day after we found out about tour, they sat us down and told us we’re not going to mexico, either. okay, so this time i was a little more disappointed. i was just so ready to be out of our routine for a little while and go travel and minister... but i was still like, okay, God, you’re teaching me that i can minister right where i am at. i’ll do my best. that night, due to more financial yucky-ness, i had to cancel my summer plans which means i don’t know what i’m doing with myself after master’s. so that was kind of my melt-down point of “God, what are you doing?????” i still trust him, know he’s sovereign and in control of everything, know he has a better plan for myself than i have, and am willing to do what he calls me to do. it was just an overwhelming week of disappointments. but i know God is working out something bigger for myself than i could ever dream, and i just sometimes step out of his timing...

finally i am broken
i’m ready to be poured out
though i am nothing
still you call me yours

that’s why i need you
i need you
i can’t do this on my own
so break me down
i won’t stand in your way
in you i am sustained


but today i finally woke up feeling refreshed!!! i know that i only have a short time left in master’s and i’ve still got a lot of changing left to do. and as of right now, it looks like i’ll be moving back to idaho right after master’s and living there at least for the summer. beyond that, i have no idea. it’s funny how quickly God can change my plans. i think he gets pretty amused with me, actually, and the fact that i do plan my life so far in advance. he’s teaching me to live more for the beauty of the moment, and as kim said last night, “look for God’s love letters to you in the beautiful, blessed moments of the day.” yes, be future minded, but not to the point of missing out on actually living. God’s going to do something amazing—he’s already doing something amazing—he is amazing!!!! :)
okay, so about the fun and wonderful things that have been happening:
my backwards party was a success—and the best backwards snack was azzip... upside down pizza :) it was so cute and clever!!! on friday we went surfing and i got up SO many times!!! and i got to use a giant pink surfboard!!! it was SO SO SO fun! and it was beautiful in the water! it was a little cold, but my wetsuit kept me plenty warm—i just love san diego :) then we went bike-riding along the bay...i had a very wonderful outside-day. then saturday we went to the beach again and i went running on the beach!!! yay!!!! it is true...outdoor running is more enjoyable than treadmill running! i never believed people when they would tell me that but now i do :) :) today is also going to be an excellent day: prayer, study time, lunch, accountability group time, master’s dinner (carne asada tacos!) and coram deo!!! yay!!!! so life is beautiful and blessed, and i don’t have to know what my future is to trust that God has everything under control.

God is good ALL the time.

hello everyone!! wow...so the last couple of weeks have been incredible and incredibly difficult at the same time. God's been truly testing me and stretching my faith quite a lot. you know how we always sing songs like, "you are all i need" and stuff to God? but how true is that really???? i think that's one benefit to hard times--they sort of bring out who you really are and how deep your walk with God is. for me, i still have a long ways to go until i actually live like God is all i need, but i'm at least at the place where i WANT him to be all that i need. the bummer about that is when you pray that God be all you need, sometimes the other things you really like or hold on to will get taken away. it's like if you pray for patience--be prepared! cuz you're probably about to get caught in the worst traffic of your life or meet a person that will drive you nuts! God has a funny way of teaching us things, but it really is effective... :)
i also moved this week! finances are pretty tight here at master's, and so to cut back on the costs me and my roommies moved out of our 3-bed 2-bath apartment into a 2-bed 1-bath. it's actually super cute, and my roommates are way easy to live with, so the fact that it is a lot smaller isn't a big deal at all. we did almost flip out when we thought there wasn't going to be a washer and dryer, but praise the Lord, there is!!! ...the fact that they are in the kitchen is kind of funny, though. :)
speaking of funny... so, for some reason, the boys in this program are very...uh...united? so yesterday morning, como decided that he wanted to cut his hair into a mohawk---then he talked matt neff into doing it--then jeremiah. then robby. then jake. then jp. then josh. yes...it's true. master's boys turned into the mohawked men. it was so funny this morning because we all went out to breakfast and people just stare. seven boys with crazy mohawks--i just love our group. :) i'll post pictures of that in the next couple of days...
hmm...what else? tonight i have a backwards party in my missionettes class! they are working on their friendship badge, and so i thought that a lot of times friendship is backwards. if someone says something mean, you don't say anything mean back--if someone hurts you, you're supposed to love them--etc. so tonight all the girls have to dress backwards and bring backwards snacks and we're making necklaces and playing games...it will be fun!!! my backwards snacks are these carrot cookies that i made last night. they taste like carrot cake minus the frosting. they are "backwards" cuz vegetables don't normally go in cookies, right? it's funny cuz it was my idea to do backwards snacks, but then i had NO idea what i was going to do!!!! i'm excited to see what the kids thought of...there are prizes for the most creative! i'll let you know how it goes... ;)
God's been teaching me a lot about insecurities, too. i've started playing the keyboard (just pads--nothing intense :) for college group on tuesday nights for the worship team, and last night they had me back-up sing, too. and i pretty much failed miserably. i didn't hit wrong notes or anything---i just basically chickened out!!! i couldn't do it!!! i just ducked my head away from the microphone and focused very studiously on playing the keyboard!!! how lame am i????? it's like the second i get in front of people my throat constricts and my voice becomes this raspy whisper. and i know it's my own fault. and i know my voice is my instrument that God gave me to praise him. and i know that i'm only playing/singing for an audience of One and all that. but did that help me last night???? nope.
really, it helped to humble me. ...and boy isn't that a fun lesson to learn. :) but i know that the experience is great for me, and i will eventually apply all those things that i "know" and listed above--it might just take me some time to allow God complete control over that area of my life. i don't know why, because acting in front of people doesn't scare me; public speaking does, but not too horribly. but when it comes to singing, i want to melt into a puddle of fear and sink into a large hole that magically opens up beneath me. i guess singing makes me feel more vulnerable than anything else... so isn't that great? :) :) God really is awesome, though, and i have a desire to praise him with my voice and be vulnerable in front of people so that they can enter into worship too, so God will help me to overcome my insecurities...i have faith in that. :)
so that's my life right now...there's more, but i gotta go "backwards-ify" myself for my party, so i'll post some pics and more of my thoughts on life in the next couple of days. i love you all and thank you for your prayers! remember---God is so good, and that does not depend on our circumstances at all!!!! no matter what, God is good!!!!!!!! :)

the best AC time EVER!!! :)

It's been a long time... :)

the time has come to give up now
but i find it hard to let go
so empty me
of all these things
that keep me from seeing you

come into this place
and drench me in you
consume me with desire
i want to know you more

recently, God has been teaching me how to let go of things that still have me bound and keep me from going deeper with him. it's a challenging thing, allowing God to truly have control of every area of my life, but it's also exciting! i know that God wants to move in powerful ways and use me for his glory... so that's where i'm at right now. :)
i've also been praying a lot about what i'm supposed to do after master's, and even though God hasn't filled me in on his plans yet, i do have some ideas...but i'll let y'all know when i'm a bit more sure :)
okay, where to begin... we'll start with valentine's day. us master's peeps got to deliver flowers for valentine's day as a fundraiser, and it was so good for me!!! i didn't really enjoy it, but it taught me how to drive a cargo van filled with vases of flowers in the back, in the dark and rain while reading directions driving downtown with all the one-way streets. um...it was kind of stressful, but i only had a few near-accident incidents, and only one major meltdown moment. :) besides that, though, i learned how to not panic when i'm lost and drive like i really am from california. how's that for life lessons??? :)
right now we are reading the five love languages for singles book, and it's super cheesy, but still really good!!! learning that everybody has a different set of love languages is pretty cool cuz it helps you know how to best treat that person with the kind of love that they need. i love all that psychology stuff!!! :) :)
this weekend should be really fun because the college group is going hiking on saturday and then having a BBQ---i'm really looking forward to that, and i'm sure i'll get some real good stories out of it...
we performed a human video on sunday to the song i can only imagine. it was awesome!!! we made the audience cry... :) i was a little girl (so of course i had pigtails in my hair) and i was crippled. my scene showed my dad putting me in bed and then me dreaming that i went to heaven and could jump around and walk... it was fun cuz me and "my dad" got to jump around on a mattress like little kids... and there's other scenes going on at the same time: a blind guy gets his sight restored, an old man sees his wife again in heaven, etc. and then the song ends with us back on earth still sleeping and it was all a dream. kind of sad, but also encouraging knowing that the troubles and hardships of this life will not follow us into heaven, but there we will be fully restored. yay!
so basically, i'm still completely loving it here, and i'm as determined as ever to continue going deeper with God. i found out the statistics for people staying close to God after master's are not so great, but i don't want to be the statistic. i want to, every day, grow closer to my Savior. he's the only thing that makes life worth living, and that fact is becoming more and more real to me all the time.
well, that's all for now...but hopefully i'll be able to update this again really soon!!! i miss you, family and friends!!! :) :)

it's february... :)

wow...life has been so crazy busy it feels like i haven't blogged in forever!!! right now, i'm working on planning out what i am going to do after master's...and i am so excited!!! because i know that no matter how much i plan, God is in control. there is no point in worrying because God already knows where he wants to take me. :) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (jeremiah 29:11-13). God is just so faithful to me, and i can't wait to see how he's going to continue changing me in these last few months at master's. i really am excited to be almost done, but i want to enjoy every moment that i have left here. i've kind of started falling into the "routine" of master's---prayer in the morning, services at night, lots of stuff in the middle...but i don't want it to be like that. i want every day to start off fresh with excitement at the gift i have to meet with God anytime, anywhere. i want Him to continue blowing my mind everyday, and i want to never get stuck in the rituals of being a Christian. i want it to be more than just part of who i am and what i do--i want Christ to define me. i want my entire identity to be founded in Him.

You desire all of me
I cry out, "Intimacy"
You embrace me
And my chains release me

And I run to you
And I fall into
The deepest ocean
The depths of your Comfort
Take me in
To you

i wrote that the other day in prayer when i really felt God calling me to trust him even more than i already am. he'll get me through anything...yay God!
alright..now i'll try to remember some of the great stuff that's been happening the last few days/weeks...
yesterday the whole master's group went out to breakfast at Kono's, the yummiest pancake breakfast place ever, and it's right on the beach!!! that was super fun, especially because the church paid for it... :) a few days ago my accountability group went bike-riding along the beach, then stopped at this little place where you can climb down a cliff to get literally ON the beach. that was super fun, but once we climbed down the cliff we all sort of looked back and were like, "now, how were we planning on getting back up there?" obviously, though, i survived, and am still around to talk about it. :) OH! okay, so for ministry time the other day we all went to a skate-boarding park downtown to take food to the people hanging out there, and just to board around with them. well, me and skateboard do not really mix well, but being the brilliant person that i am, i thought, "why not?" so i hopped on the skateboard and biffed the concrete harder than anyone has ever biffed it in the history of biffing it! okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but i did hit the ground really hard. :) both of my palms are swollen and bruised, and my knee looks like i took a hammer to it. but despite the pain, i had a lot of fun, and i was SO glad that i tried it!!!! i also went sunset surfing the other night--and it was beautiful!!! it's one thing to stand back and watch the sun set, but to be in the water, on the waves, watching the sky change from orange to pink to a deep red until it all disappears was absolutely beautiful! :) i didn't do too well surfing, but that's totally not the point. :) :) all in all, life is fantastic right now, and even though sometimes i have my moments of frustration, i wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here... thank you for all your prayers! :)