going deeper... :)

i’ve been thinking a lot recently...and i just have some thoughts to share...
i only have 38 days left in masters. 38 DAYS!!!! do you know how quickly that is going to go by?????
so, i am extremely excited to be so close to the end, but i don’t want to slack off or let up just because the end is near. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus...” (Hebrews 12:1-2a)
right now, to be completely honest, i’m really struggling. and it’s not like i’m going through these huge issues or anything truly hard, but inwardly i am having a hard time being joyful in all circumstances. it feels like this big part of me is just pushing and striving to be done with this “program” and the rules surrounding it. i want to be free to live by my own convictions and not rules set up by someone else. and i know that life is like that...there are laws and bosses and people in authority over me, but right now there are certain aspects surrounding masters that i just want to be rid of. but i know that in this, God is stretching me. he’s teaching me that it is not enough to just be a “submissive” person, but to truly have an obedient heart and an inner attitude of joy and thankfulness. there will always, ALWAYS be something in life that i can either choose to be unhappy with or joyful through. and really, there is so much to be thankful for. i absolutely love the people here. i’ve seen growth and change in myself that i didn’t even know was possible. i’ve had more opportunities to experience new things here than i’ll probably ever have in my life again. i’ve tasted intimacy with God and fallen in love with him—and masters has given me an ideal environment for living out my newly-passionate relationship with Jesus. All of that and more should make me utterly breathless with gratitude. what more could i ask for???? who am i to think that i deserve that, let alone anything more??? it really is amazing when i step back and look at the big picture, instead of just my own little self. God is working in such an astounding way—weaving together our lives with intricacy and creativitiy—purpose and love—and he’s so patient with me even in my selfishness. “’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
i just want to be real with people. no more masks to hide behind. no more being fake. i want true, raw, unhindered joy. i want to be drenched in Jesus and to be submerged in his love. i want to care about nothing but knowing and loving him, and living that out in how i treat others.

DEEPER
a song i wrote during prayer wednesday morning...

I want to go deeper
in your love
i want to run further
in your arms
i want to stay longer
next to you
forever won’t be long enough
Lord, it won’t be long enough

i want to fall harder
into grace
i want to be captured
in your embrace
i want to love you more
love you more
infinite just isn’t enough
Lord, it’ll never be enough

i’ll never get enough of you
i’ll never get enough


i also want to find the right balance in my relationships with people, especially once i’m home. i don’t ever want to come across as “preachy,” but i also don’t want to be afraid to speak the truth (in love, of course :) i don’t want to turn people away with being real, but i don’t want to put too much stock in what other people think of me. hmmm... i also don’t want to think too hard about all of this. :) yes, God is changing me, but there is still definitely a lot of “me” left in me—my ability to over-think being part of that. :) i’m super excited to see what God has in store...he sure is a fun God. how dull would life be if we knew everything that was going to happen before it happened? God gives us basically the best scenario. he truly wants what’s best for us, so he’s got our futures under control, but he also leaves PLENTY of room for us to be surprised! i just love that about him! there’s a song that i really like by desperation band called lovesong...and it says:

let my life be a love song
every day sing to you
may my heart always please you
as a sweet offering
i am satisfied in you
come be glorified in me

all of my life you are faithful
my savior my king and my friend
all of my life i will lay down
to love you with all that i am

that’s what i want my life to look like in God’s eyes. :)

easter pics and life lessons... :)

hello everyone!! this might be the last time i get to blog for quite a while because we have a lot of traveling coming up... tomorrow night or early thursday morning we leave for las vegas to do a fundraiser for microsoft---i think we are just registration people, but it should be really fun!!! we get home next tuesday night and then we leave the very next morning for bakersfield to do a service. from there we go straight to fresno! we get home from all of our travels on the 27th....
so, God's continuing to work out some really good stuff in me, and even though it's not all easy, i'm really learning a lot! right now i'm learning about confidence and how, it's not about being confident in myself, but it's about placing every ounce of my confidence in Christ. i want to be completely submitted and entirely dependent on him.

i can't do this on my own
i've tried before and failed
i need to taste your sweet freedom
i need you here...with me
i need you to fall down
rain on my face
reign in this place

set me free
rescue me
and hold on tightly
hold on---hold on to me


tonight, for example, i'm on the worship team and, for the first time, i'm playing the keyboard and singing---and my microphone and the keyboard are actually turned up loud enough to where you can hear it!!!! :0
yes, i'm nervous, but i'm realizing that God does not call the equipped--he equips the called. i just have to remember how amazing God is and that i am there to worship him alone. nobody to impress. nobody's judging. and even if they were, God's opinion is all that matters and he just wants me to make a joyful noise! :)
oh! i'm also taking a personality class right now and it is so much fun!!! i'm learning a lot about myself and other people... wanna know my strengths and weaknesses according to the test??? :)

STRENGTHS:
analytical
peaceful
submissive
considerate
refreshing
satisfied
patient
scheduled
optimistic
friendly
diplomatic
cheerful
idealistic
deep
mediator
tolerant
listener
chartmaker
pleasant
behaved

The Bad Stuff... :)
bashful
unforgiving
reticent
fearful
insecure
unpredictable
hard to please
permissive
alienated
nonchalant
worrier
timid
doubtful
introvert
manipulative
skeptical
loner
suspicious
reluctant
critical

now, obviously, some of those are a little extreme, but for the most part i think the test was pretty accurate. the thing to do now is try to branch out--not just settle and live up to everything the list says about me, but to try to stretch out of my little comfort bubble. it is funny, though, when i realize i'm doing something and it's totally cookie-cutter to my personality.
okay, so lastly i'll recommend some amazing songs:
The love of God---jeff deyo
open up the sky---deluge
lovesong---desperation band
hear us from heaven---jared anderson
be near---shane and shane
if you say go---vineyard
forever holy---the glorious unseen
sovereign God---derek loux
those are the newest songs on my ipod and they are amazing!!!! anyways, i pray that today would be a day that you encounter the love of God like never before--that you see him so obviously in the little moments of your day that you desire to know him more.
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -jeremiah 29:13
~God is not hiding. when you seek him with all your heart, he is found where he always is...right beside you. :)

Only two months left...

so, it kind of just hit me that masters is, for reals, nearing an end...so what am i doing with my time????? i want to make sure that i am taking from this program EVERYTHING that i can get out of it, because once graduation comes, i can't rely on the program to schedule my prayer time anymore, or make me volunteer around the church, or give me cool ministry opportunities...that will all be on me. so am i ready for that?
i'm actually super excited to find out the answer to that question. i'm still thrilled to be in masters, but there is definitely a huge part of me that is looking forward to moving home this summer and seeing what else God has for me: so i'm living to enjoy every moment, but i'm absolutely NOT dreading the future at all... :)
now, about my plans for the near future--they are still very up-in-the-air and uncertain, but for now i'm just planning on moving back to idaho and getting a job and getting involved in church. God's funny because he knows that i am a total planner, so i think he likes to wait til the last minute to tell me what he wants me to do... but that's okay because i'm definitely learning through the process. it's kind of exciting and fun to know that God's love is so extravagant that he surprises me with incredible blessings because i never know what to expect of the future. God has really been drawing me further into knowing him by reminding me of why i came to masters in the first place--the whole point is to fall in love with Him, and so that's where i'm at. nothing else really matters except loving God and, in doing so, loving other people. the other day, when that really hit me, it made me question my motives and everything, and so, of course, i wrote a song... :)

who am i to think
that i can do anything
on my own, apart from you

sure i know all the words
yeah i can play the part
but none of that really counts
God you see what's in my heart

so bring me back to you
the first love i ever knew
you hold my dreams, hold all of me
you can have my heart
i want to be found in you
and find out who i really am
see what i'm made of, and finally make my stand
i want to be found in you


i think that is my biggest goal right now...to simply be so immersed in God that the only way i can find myself or know who i am is by going even deeper with God. we actually had a coram deo that was about returning to God as your first love. it was SO good!!! i'll just write down some of the notes that i took from it:

1. i need to release control of whatever i'm holding on to and just be still before God--remember his faithfulness
2. sometimes it feels like God is playing Hide and Seek with us: our walk with God is a relationship and so it should be two-way. how much do i desire God? am i willing to seek him out?
3. God carries me in the hard times--i can see that if i stop looking at my problems
4. seek God's kingdom FIRST and then he takes care of our every need
5. God wants me to love him first and most
6. God's not going to aks you to do something without empowering you to do it

this week my one of my verses for scripture memory was about how we so easily forget what our purpose is:
"You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: you have forsaken your first love."
-Revelation 2:3-4
so, it doesn't matter how faithful we are in our actions if in our hearts we have been unfaithful to God. i have to constantly check myself and see if i'm simply going through the motions instead of doing things because i'm crazy in love with God. i can say all the right things and still be totally wrong. i can act like the most "christian" person ever, and still God is calling to me saying, "you still don't get it." it's not about a performance, and it's not about always "sounding right." (trust me, i'm totally preaching to myself right now!) God loves us. He just wants us to love him in return. it really is that simple. we just tend to overcomplicate things by a lot. so God is romancing me all over again and reminding me that it is not about looking perfect and like i have it all together on the outside...it's just about allowing him to drench me in his love and then responding to that love. hmmm...it's such a peaceful and calming realization. no longer having to strive for perfection, but instead being free to actively pursue the Love we all long for.
i want to encourage whoever is reading this to just pick up God's Word and start reading it. i heard the other day of a woman, a prostitute actually, who was told about Jesus by one of my mentors. after hearing about Jesus she wanted to learn more, and so she started reading the Bible. she began in the New Testament and read the whole thing. then she went to the Old Testament and read it too... and do you know how long it took her to read all of that??? one week.
now, obviously, that's not realistic for most people...i've been going on a couple weeks and i'm still in genesis :) but the point is, if we want to know more of God, it's in the Bible! it was written by Him and is therefore the best place to learn more about Him! One of the most interesting things i've learned so far is that people are very good at stepping out of God's perfect timing. Adam and Eve had perfection, but they chose to follow their own desires (Genesis 3), Abraham and Sarah were promised a son, but they couldn't wait and so they made their own plans (Genesis 16), Jacob was promised that he would rule over his brother and be great, but he couldn't wait for God's promise to be fulfilled, and so he stole from his brother (Genesis 27)... etc. realizing this was huge for me! like i said before, God is teaching me how to trust him even when i don't have a plan, and i'm learning most of that by reading the Bible. i don't want to step out of God's perfect timing--so sometimes i'm going to have to be willing to wait on the voice of God. i don't know exactly what direction my life is headed right now, but honestly i'm okay with that. God has always been faithful to me, and he is the same yesterday, today, and forever. he'll do much greater things with me than i could ever do with myself, so i'm going to just hand everything over to him and leave the planning of my future to the One who holds my future.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'" --Jeremiah 29:11

college group retreat pics...

My thoughts...

okay, i’m back and i have a lot to tell...
i’m finally out of the slight state of...well i guess you could call it minor depression. this last week was a real tough one for me emotionally. and yet, i can still see how truly blessed i am and how honestly, my problems don’t really amount to much in the whole scheme of things. first, i should tell you that one of the things i was looking forward to the most this year was going on tour. i think i had both selfish and unselfish motives in wanting to go, but i just REALLY wanted to go. we were told this week that because of finances and the economy right now, we will be unable to go. so i was bummed about that. i also, surprisingly, though, had a really easy time getting over it. i was like, cool, God, you must have something else planned for us.

beyond what i can see
you are working in me
i cannot know what your plans are for me
but faith keeps on trusting
even when it’s blind

i’ll still choose to lift my hands and worship you
nothing’s changed—
you deserve all my praise
have your way

so then i let myself start getting super excited for our trip to mexico. we were supposed to leave tomorrow and be gone for 8 days putting on a big outreach and serving the community, working in an orphanage and other cool ministry stuff. the day after we found out about tour, they sat us down and told us we’re not going to mexico, either. okay, so this time i was a little more disappointed. i was just so ready to be out of our routine for a little while and go travel and minister... but i was still like, okay, God, you’re teaching me that i can minister right where i am at. i’ll do my best. that night, due to more financial yucky-ness, i had to cancel my summer plans which means i don’t know what i’m doing with myself after master’s. so that was kind of my melt-down point of “God, what are you doing?????” i still trust him, know he’s sovereign and in control of everything, know he has a better plan for myself than i have, and am willing to do what he calls me to do. it was just an overwhelming week of disappointments. but i know God is working out something bigger for myself than i could ever dream, and i just sometimes step out of his timing...

finally i am broken
i’m ready to be poured out
though i am nothing
still you call me yours

that’s why i need you
i need you
i can’t do this on my own
so break me down
i won’t stand in your way
in you i am sustained


but today i finally woke up feeling refreshed!!! i know that i only have a short time left in master’s and i’ve still got a lot of changing left to do. and as of right now, it looks like i’ll be moving back to idaho right after master’s and living there at least for the summer. beyond that, i have no idea. it’s funny how quickly God can change my plans. i think he gets pretty amused with me, actually, and the fact that i do plan my life so far in advance. he’s teaching me to live more for the beauty of the moment, and as kim said last night, “look for God’s love letters to you in the beautiful, blessed moments of the day.” yes, be future minded, but not to the point of missing out on actually living. God’s going to do something amazing—he’s already doing something amazing—he is amazing!!!! :)
okay, so about the fun and wonderful things that have been happening:
my backwards party was a success—and the best backwards snack was azzip... upside down pizza :) it was so cute and clever!!! on friday we went surfing and i got up SO many times!!! and i got to use a giant pink surfboard!!! it was SO SO SO fun! and it was beautiful in the water! it was a little cold, but my wetsuit kept me plenty warm—i just love san diego :) then we went bike-riding along the bay...i had a very wonderful outside-day. then saturday we went to the beach again and i went running on the beach!!! yay!!!! it is true...outdoor running is more enjoyable than treadmill running! i never believed people when they would tell me that but now i do :) :) today is also going to be an excellent day: prayer, study time, lunch, accountability group time, master’s dinner (carne asada tacos!) and coram deo!!! yay!!!! so life is beautiful and blessed, and i don’t have to know what my future is to trust that God has everything under control.

God is good ALL the time.

hello everyone!! wow...so the last couple of weeks have been incredible and incredibly difficult at the same time. God's been truly testing me and stretching my faith quite a lot. you know how we always sing songs like, "you are all i need" and stuff to God? but how true is that really???? i think that's one benefit to hard times--they sort of bring out who you really are and how deep your walk with God is. for me, i still have a long ways to go until i actually live like God is all i need, but i'm at least at the place where i WANT him to be all that i need. the bummer about that is when you pray that God be all you need, sometimes the other things you really like or hold on to will get taken away. it's like if you pray for patience--be prepared! cuz you're probably about to get caught in the worst traffic of your life or meet a person that will drive you nuts! God has a funny way of teaching us things, but it really is effective... :)
i also moved this week! finances are pretty tight here at master's, and so to cut back on the costs me and my roommies moved out of our 3-bed 2-bath apartment into a 2-bed 1-bath. it's actually super cute, and my roommates are way easy to live with, so the fact that it is a lot smaller isn't a big deal at all. we did almost flip out when we thought there wasn't going to be a washer and dryer, but praise the Lord, there is!!! ...the fact that they are in the kitchen is kind of funny, though. :)
speaking of funny... so, for some reason, the boys in this program are very...uh...united? so yesterday morning, como decided that he wanted to cut his hair into a mohawk---then he talked matt neff into doing it--then jeremiah. then robby. then jake. then jp. then josh. yes...it's true. master's boys turned into the mohawked men. it was so funny this morning because we all went out to breakfast and people just stare. seven boys with crazy mohawks--i just love our group. :) i'll post pictures of that in the next couple of days...
hmm...what else? tonight i have a backwards party in my missionettes class! they are working on their friendship badge, and so i thought that a lot of times friendship is backwards. if someone says something mean, you don't say anything mean back--if someone hurts you, you're supposed to love them--etc. so tonight all the girls have to dress backwards and bring backwards snacks and we're making necklaces and playing games...it will be fun!!! my backwards snacks are these carrot cookies that i made last night. they taste like carrot cake minus the frosting. they are "backwards" cuz vegetables don't normally go in cookies, right? it's funny cuz it was my idea to do backwards snacks, but then i had NO idea what i was going to do!!!! i'm excited to see what the kids thought of...there are prizes for the most creative! i'll let you know how it goes... ;)
God's been teaching me a lot about insecurities, too. i've started playing the keyboard (just pads--nothing intense :) for college group on tuesday nights for the worship team, and last night they had me back-up sing, too. and i pretty much failed miserably. i didn't hit wrong notes or anything---i just basically chickened out!!! i couldn't do it!!! i just ducked my head away from the microphone and focused very studiously on playing the keyboard!!! how lame am i????? it's like the second i get in front of people my throat constricts and my voice becomes this raspy whisper. and i know it's my own fault. and i know my voice is my instrument that God gave me to praise him. and i know that i'm only playing/singing for an audience of One and all that. but did that help me last night???? nope.
really, it helped to humble me. ...and boy isn't that a fun lesson to learn. :) but i know that the experience is great for me, and i will eventually apply all those things that i "know" and listed above--it might just take me some time to allow God complete control over that area of my life. i don't know why, because acting in front of people doesn't scare me; public speaking does, but not too horribly. but when it comes to singing, i want to melt into a puddle of fear and sink into a large hole that magically opens up beneath me. i guess singing makes me feel more vulnerable than anything else... so isn't that great? :) :) God really is awesome, though, and i have a desire to praise him with my voice and be vulnerable in front of people so that they can enter into worship too, so God will help me to overcome my insecurities...i have faith in that. :)
so that's my life right now...there's more, but i gotta go "backwards-ify" myself for my party, so i'll post some pics and more of my thoughts on life in the next couple of days. i love you all and thank you for your prayers! remember---God is so good, and that does not depend on our circumstances at all!!!! no matter what, God is good!!!!!!!! :)

the best AC time EVER!!! :)